Through countless hours of research, writing, editing, fact checking and hair pulling ( my own), I vave at last finished my Orc handbook for Elgea Elven Society. This work would not be possible without the contributions of many of my Elven and Orc friends. To them go my eternal thanks.
Any grammatical errors, or typo's are my own and no fault of my editor.
I stuck to a practical approach and did not use Elven flowery prose as I felt a straight forward teaching manual would work best in this situation.
Thank you,
Ashtar
TCOL, Kanzler
Orc Handbook for Elgea Elven Society
Prepared by Ashtar, Kanzler, The Colony
*Dedicated to the new little elves of Elgea
Table of Contents
1.
Personal Safety
2.
Greetings by Class Rank
3.
Meaty Bits
4.
Large bodies of water
5.
Orc Ceremonies
1. Personal Elven Safety
Due to the close relations we have with our Orc brethren in BSH, BSHx and SCH, I felt it was a relevant time to issue this Orc handbook to all new Elfves in TCOL, in order to assist them in getting used to Orcish customs. However, since most Orcs view Elves as chew toys, and would almost always rather eat an elf, there are several vital personal safety precautions that we must ensure are taken. Thus this guide is being distributed to the masses.
The first and most vital tip, pun intended, are the use of metal ear protectors. While they will not stop the Orc from nibbling, they will ensure that no ears are removed for later snacking and we do not have to endure the agony of regrowing them. Contact your local Dwarven smith, as they are quite adept at fashioning and fitting such devices.
The next piece of equipment is scent blocker. The natural smell of Elven folk is a natural olfactory draw for the Orcs. After conducting numerous scent tests with both Elven and Orc volunteers we have determined the following: Flower, mint, or licorice scent blockers have been effectively proven to mask our natural smell and prevent unwanted sniffing of Elven persons which could lead to awkward or dangerous situations.*
The last piece of safety equipment is leather clothing. Green-dyed leather works best as most Orcs eschew vegetables and focus on meat dishes only.
•
Many thanks to the Elven "Smell" volunteers for their courage and their ignorance of the small print clauses contained within the Consent Form.
2.
Greetings by Class Rank
Orcish society has three major class ranks:
•
Ruling Classes – Clan leaders and their families
•
Warrior Class – Fearsome Orc warriors
•
Merchant Class – Traders, Diplomats, etc
We will look at each class greeting individually:
•
Ruling Class Greetings:
Orc clans value strength and respect above all else. When meeting the ruling class of most clans, Elves should bow but retain eye contact with the Ruler in order to show strength and respect, but not subservience. When meeting an unknown clan, Elven women should curtsy, Elven males should bow. After the initial greeting of each person, a bow as listed above will suffice.
•
Warrior class Greetings:
Orc warriors are fearsome, tireless and, when the moon is full and the planets in alignment, honorable. They value the same in others. When meeting an Orc warrior, their standard greeting is a low five slap delivered to their non weapon hand.
•
Merchant Class Greetings:
The Orc merchant class is probably the most recognized, as they have more interaction with the other races of Elgea. They can be found in trade hubs, faction hubs, scouting the land, or harvesting skins and various animal parts. Standard Greeting Protocol is to say “Throm-Ka”. If the Orc answers back with the same words and extends their non- weapon hand, a low five slap is then proper. If no answer is given by the Orc, simply nod and be on your way. Also, to be safe, leave your gold behind.
3.
Meaty Bits
Orcs wear armor specifically designed to frighten and intimidate their enemies. Often times they will hang mementos from their armor to mark a victory. Their weapons are designed to inflict the most amount of carnage possible. They revel in completely abolishing their enemies and wading through the bloodbath.
In order to avoid becoming a part of the aforementioned bloodbath yourself, all Elven warriors are instructed to carry pouches of fresh, meaty bits to give to Orc warriors after battles, thus avoiding becoming a main dish in the post battle feast.
There may come a point in battle in which Orcs enter a “berserker” stage. While it bodes well for their allies, their enemies should quake with fear. An Orc, in this stage, will not recognize friend or foe. Therfore, simply fight by their non- weapon side and use the meaty bits as a restorative after the berserker rage has ended. They will have expended a huge amount of energy during this phase and will need the meat to restore their strength.
4. Large Bodies of Water
This section is dedicated to water. Contrary to public sentiment, Orcs love large bodies of water. Their favorite bodies of water happen to be located in large black cauldrons over roaring fires. Most Orc encampments have at least four cauldrons boiling at any one time.
Should a first time visitor, or unknown diplomat ask about this, they will be told that they are kept for laundry use and various other cleaning tasks. This is indeed one purpose which the cauldrons can be put to use, but their primary function is for preparation of the post battle feast. (See Meaty Bits section above).
Most Orc have no fear of small lakes or rivers as they can easily ford them. However most Orcs, due to sheer bone density and mass are unable to swim and avoid oceans at all costs. Should an ocean voyage be necessary, the best idea is to use Mammoth tranquilizers on any Orc shipmates so as to prevent any berserker rages, which would obviously result in loss of life and ship.
4.
Orc Ceremonies
Orc clans have many public and private ceremonies. Public ceremonies include: Crowning Ceremony, Rites of Passage, Warrior Induction, Feats of Strength, and post battle feasts. While the standard protocols listed above apply, the nature of these particular public functions, can safely preclude the pouches of meaty bits. However, avoidance of any large pots of water is a must.
You will also be required to hoot, holler, stomp, dance by firelight, drink grog, eat meat, and release your inner warrior to celebrate. Do not worry about messes; Kobolds are effective janitors, in addition to being war fodder.
Private ceremonies, such as: Namings, Matings, New Clans, and so on are a more somber affair. The pinnacle of good manners are required and it is an honor to be asked to participate in these ceremonies. Your role will be one of a guardian so full dress armor is required. You will also be asked to provide a feast contribution.
Any animal larger than a wolf will suffice. Larger animals are viewed as a sign of your level of respect for the parties or Orc friends involved in the ceremonies. A wooly mammoth is viewed as the largest sign of respect. It is also a good method for testing the effectiveness of Mammoth Tranquilizer.
Author’s Note:
I began this manual as a way to safeguard new elves joining The Colony when dealing with our Orc Brethern. First exposure to an Orc clan can be somewhat intimidating. However, it became apparent that the many other elves of Elgea could benefit from this manual.
I therefore asked for and was granted an audience with our illustrious Fearless Leader and put said proposal in front of him. After much thought and consideration, the benevolent Kale Weathers granted me permission to publish this manual world-wide.
Fearless Leader's Note: *Author rolls eyes*
I was not asked, nor consulted on this work. Memos were not passed along, and courtesy copies were not forwarded. Therefore, no thought or consideration was ever actually given. I am a prisoner in my own alliance. Help me.
My most gracious thanks go to:
Kale Weathers: Benevolent and Fearless TCOL Leader
TCOL: THE BEST ALLIANCE IN ALL OF ELGEA
Mr. Kumomoto Sir: for his unending support of this project.
Tansiraine: My Elven Sista, for her unwavering friendship through this process.
Any typo’s or grammatical errors are the sole property of the author.
Also, look for our upcoming publications: Summer of 2014
Elven Handbook for Orc Society: The Picture Book
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Orc Handbook for Elgea Elven Society
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