7 days in Middle Kingdom

I’d brought with me wife (Lilian) and brats. What can you do here? The soil is good clay loam, reasonable for raising pigs, but that isn’t what I’m here for. I’m here to build a great city (fanfare of trumpets). Lilian wants to set up a school and educate all of the local orcs/ dwarves/ elves/ humans, which should help race relations.

The really worrying thing about arriving to found a city is all of these labourers standing around saying “what do you want us to do?”. I DON’T KNOW. I only just got here. What were you doing before I arrived? Oh. OK I’d better think of some gainful employment quickly before Lilian finds out.

Day 2. Overheard some nice neighbours (well, they might be nice and they might be neighbours - better give them the benefit of the doubt) say I should study how to do something else besides Hog farming. As if there is anything else?

Day 3. What do you mean, you can’t get a decent cup of coffee? It hasn’t even been invented? How do I get some people to go and find coffee beans? Former Pig Farmer now founder of a small hamlet is proudly pacing round the “city” checking everyone does their work. It’s amazing, people doff their caps or pull their forelocks to me when I pass! This could go to my head! I’d better ask Lilian to brush some of the pig s**t out of my clothes so I can look respectable!

That didn’t go down well. L has found a building and turned it into a library. “<Expletive> your own <expletive> clothes you <expletive>” was her reply when I suggested it. You can’t get the staff these days, can you? She’s back to her old ways - always the teacher. I shouldn’t complain, I’d just be pig farmer like my old dad if she hadn’t taught me my letters and filled me with ambition.

Day 4. The neighbours talk to me! Someone sent over some game pie for me along with a stack of other useful things, and books for Lilian! Far from being fed up “that we moved to this god-forsaken patch of mud in the middle of nowhere and my mother isn’t nearby to look after the kids” Lilian is beginning to enjoy it.

Oh horses arrived too, and some chickens. At least they look like chickens, but they don’t actually do anything and the horses seem to think the chickens should go on their backs. Did we make a mistake after all?

After this the days all blur into one. A neighbour asked for some help, and when I sent a couple of likely lads they were gone for a day and a half! Nobody told me that things could be so far away! More neighbours sent stuff, I’m getting on fine. Lilian appears frequently and says “you need to do this” or “build one of these so I can get at those other books”. We’re so in love - we haven’t talked like this since the old days! I joined an Alliance! It’s great, there are some really important guys in aprons and funny hats, and I have to turn up at the lodge and do a funny handshake, and they let me in. Nobody talks to me yet, and I’m not allowed to talk to anyone either, but I’m in an Alliance! It’s fun.

Well Lilian has been on to me to better myself. It seems that Tom at the Tavern (his staff are Tania from the castle and Terry son of the iron mine owner Ian) keeps hearing about things we can explore for the king or the council or whoever it is. Most of it comes from Middle Earth - we don’t seem to hear anything from Perrigor but perhaps they just don’t get as drunk. Anyway, Lilian wants us to run our own quest. So I’m going to organise a race to the Illyriad council. Is it wise? Don’t know but it should be fun!

Fashion Tips for Orcs

Orcs - do you sometimes worry about your talons splitting and looking a bit lack-lustre? Try these talon paints - perfect for keeping them in tip top condition and the blood just rolls right off!